I have been thinking that perhaps I should come back and
post a follow-up here as it has been some time since I originally created this blog in the summer of 2012. A great deal has happened in my life since
then.
The AGP/Crossdreamer descriptions were something of a
stepping stone for me, a language of self-discovery that helped me come to
terms with who I am and have always been. After a lifetime of hiding, I finally
came to terms with the truth that I had been transgender all my life,
repressing it for years with what can only be described as unbearable guilt and
self-loathing. In the months following my original posts here I began gender
therapy for the first time in my late fifties. Despite the fear and resignation
I expressed in my earlier posts, it gradually became clear that I could not go
on repressing my true feelings. After once again nearly taking my life one day,
I finally concluded that I would have to transition to female to survive.
In the beginning, I was terrified of transition. I expected
I would lose my career, my home, everything I held dear, end up on the street,
and probably still die. But despite that pessimistic expectation, I could
simply see no other choice but to go forward with transition. I am delighted to
report that transition has not been anything like that; I am thrilled with my
life now that I am living authentically as the female I have always been
inside. I only wish I had been able to find my way here years ago.
In the final months of 2012 I began HRT, began losing
weight, began electrolysis, began collecting a wardrobe (once again), came out
to my family, began working on voice training, and began to learn makeup. I
started living openly female everywhere but work early in 2013. In mid-2013 I
began the long complex process of legally changing my identity to a new name
and gender, and came out at work full time in the fall. I chose a new name and
left Heather as a pre-transition pseudonym which I will probably still use for
some of my writing.
I lost a great deal of weight with a much healthier diet, and
began more regular exercise habits. I suddenly had a profound desire to live my
life. My health is now better than it has been in decades. I was able to get
rhinoplasty, and after nearly a year and a half of hormones I am now actually
able to see a female-self emerging from the façade I’ve hidden in, and been
trapped by, all my life. I am also now working on raising the funds to get SRS
and breast implants, hopefully late in 2014 or early 2015. Transition has also
been like a second puberty for me, arousing profound heterosexual feelings of
attraction to men.
I am posting this comment, a very brief summary of a much longer
and much more complex story (which I’ve written more about elsewhere), in order
to explain to those like myself who begin discovering themselves here, that I
now realize I have always been a transsexual in denial. I’ve now begun to think
of my childhood in terms of “when I was a little girl,” despite that I was
deeply in denial and hiding for all those years. I can look back now with
hindsight and acknowledge the countless times I knew in my heart that I felt
female but couldn’t find a language to express it, or even admit it to myself.
I am delighted to report to you that there is life after
transition! I have never been happier with myself or my life. To tell you the
truth, passing at my age isn’t perfect, strangers often know I am transgender,
but I am largely accepted as a woman, or at least a trans woman, without any
issues. I have truly not had one bad experience with people mistreating me in
the ways I imagined I would experience. I’ve transitioned very publicly to
hundreds of people -- friends, family, customers, and co-workers -- and have received
hundreds of heart-warming expressions of encouragement and congratulations from
many of these people. I have lost some “friends,” and gained many new true
friends.
The hardest experience has been the difficulty my adult children
are still having with all of this. I believe they will ultimately come to
accept me, and get to know me all over again. I know that the alternative
wouldn’t have been any easier on them.
Please understand, I am not saying that everyone who
identifies with the AGP/Crossdreamer profile is a transsexual who has been in
denial all their life like I have been. What I am saying is that for many of us
in my generation, denial and repression became a survival skill. Fortunately
young transgender people today are finding it much easier to begin living
authentically at a much younger age as our society gradually learns to accept
transgender people. It is my fond hope that future generations will never have
to suffer as so many of us have for so long. I would hope that if others come
to the crossroads in their life that I did, they would not be as terrified of
transition as I was. I am also not saying that transition is simple, but if it
is the authentic path for your life, as it clearly is for mine, transition is more
than possible, your new life can be WONDERFUL!
Finally, I want to emphatically encourage everyone with any
interest in these issues to read Janet Mock’s new book “Redefining Realness,” released
February 4th, 2014, and reaching 19 on the NY Times Best Seller list
in the first week. She is a heroic figure that should encourage transgender
people everywhere to live authentic lives, and challenge society to finally
begin to understand us, accept us, and welcome us into the human family.
Transgender people are EXACTLY who they say they are!
